3 Ways to start healing Yourself from being a Relationship Anarchist.
How many times have You actually been in a great relationship only to sabotage the crap out of it?
Raise Your hand if You ever sabotaged Your relationships…
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Yup I was one of those that heavily sabotaged my relationships.
It’s seriously a problem for many people. You meet a nice person, but end up throwing a spanner in the works, and everything comes to a grinding halt. And You’re left sitting there wondering what the hell just happened as You’re nursing Your broken heart.
And all Your girlfriends quote the many books on relationships that they have read (trying to make You feel better, but making it worse) – because let’s face it they are also Relationship Anarchists and well – the self help books didn’t do much to help them fix their relationship problems – except help them earn a mini Ph.D in Relationship Anarchy. They can quote tons of stuff – but cannot seem to help themselves apply what they had learned. – INSERT frustrated emoticon here.
And here You are, trying to apply the hangover cure to Your Broken Heart hangover, and yet – don’t feel any better. So please just also note I’m not entirely speaking about certifiable narcissists here (even though every single person these days get diagnosed by everyone with their lucky packet Ph.D’s) as narcissists. Let’s forget about the certified narcissists here for a bit okay?
I’m talking about YOU.
The Person that will find a nice person, You’ll hit it off… and then all of a sudden BAM… You do something stupid. You’ll cheat. You’ll lie and they will find out and, let’s face it – we can then liken Your relationship to that of a wet – insert any animal You like to be associated with that won’t die, when they are being shaken around in an rock shaker filled with pebbles – it will hurt – it will bruise You – but You won’t be flattened. Get the picture? Good.
You come out bruised and broken and completely confused as to what the actual heck just happened.
There are many reasons and ways to obviously sabotage Your relationship.
By cheating
Being constantly moody
Lying to Your partner because You’re not feeling safe in the relationship – (because of Your own perceptual filters) OUCH. I know it hurts.
Remember we see the world the way we are, not the way it is. And in MOST cases (please note I said MOST) You see Your relationships and Your partner in the same light. The way You are. The way You feel. The way You experience life, through Your beliefs.
Being in a space of perpetual depression – because You’re deeply unhappy inside of Yourself and You haven’t healed Your wounds.
By reacting and overreacting and by being defensive – HELLO – I went there… Your partner reacts to you and Your reactions and defensive strategies. And it hurts. Boy does it leave You feeling like You’ve been hit and kicked in the stomach by a toddler throwing the biggest baddest tantrum.
And insert many other symptoms here…
So why do humans do this? Well there are so many reasons below is just a few pieces of the puzzles but in no ways a complete list.
- You could have gone through some traumatic event in Your life at one point. Usually in Your formative years.
We’re little sponges in our formative years… and that’s why I urge people not to fight in front of their kids. Because believe me when I say – it will impact them, and not in a good way.
- You could have witnessed Your parents treating each other in a certain way – and now You have accepted that this is the right way to treat a partner – and they aren’t having any of that.
- You have low self worth and low self love – and what this ultimately means is that You don’t love Yourself enough to allow Yourself to really have a loving and amazing relationship.
- You never truly healed Your childhood wounding which has left a huge hole inside of You, and You’re just so utterly unhappy. Yeah You might find some happiness in the beginning of Your relationships for a while, but then the part of Your brain that is trying to get You to heal – goes off and You sabotage your relationship. You messing up – is really a message to heal Your wounds. It’s not pleasant at all. I would know, but it is a calling for You to heal.
- You’re self harming – not in the way of cutting or overeating (those are also signs btw of tremendous wounding) – but rather through the thought patterns of not being good enough – so You keep choosing to either hurt Your partner and they respond to you and the hurt.
I’m not saying by returning the favour they are right either. And this is why it’s so vital for couples to go through processes where they can regain their ability to love themselves, so they don’t hurt their partner and create a long chain reaction.
And boy it does that, couples create chain reactions in their relationships, they absolutely react and overreact and become defensive; because they feed of each other and they affect each other. Our thoughts are actually real forces, and what that means is that we absolutely let things become reality. We breathe life into this negative and unhealthy image of relationships and then we’re shocked when it becomes reality. All the while – we have been stoking the fires and breathing life into the negative imagery.
So here’s 3 exercises for You to do on a daily basis to help You start on Your journey towards healing.
- Ask Yourself :
What would it look like for You in Your relationship if You were to have a new belief inside of You that is “I am deserving of love, and I accept love unconditionally in my life”?
Write out for Yourself what would it look like, when You have that belief. How would that translate in Your Relationship?
2. Then some affirmations You can say to Yourself on a daily basis.
I learn to love myself every single day for the person that I am, and I see just what an amazing person I am to love.
I accept myself, even though I’ve been through so much – I still acknowledge myself and my humanness – and I love myself for it.
I treat myself like I would treat my friends when they don’t love themselves. I show myself the love I want just as I would show my friends just how loveable they are.
(Let’s face it, You treat Your friends better than You treat Yourself. Perhaps start to use that rule on yourself too.)
To be in a beautiful relationship is safe for me, I find safety and security being in a healthy relationship.
I deserve love. I accept love in my life and can see love all around me. It is natural for me to feel loved. I love others and they love me.
I know that I am a good person. I am deserving of the admiration and affection of those in my life. I am accepting of all the positive feelings that come my way. People admire and respect me. I feel loved at all times.
I know that I am a good person. I deserve to create love within myself for myself, alignment begins with loving myself first. Because when I love myself and I accept myself first, I am available to be a great partner to my partner.
I am thrilled by the number of people that give me love every day. I am fortunate to receive so much admiration. Love comes to me quickly and naturally.
I am a love magnet.
The more I love, the more love is returned to me. I am worthy of great love and deserve to be loved completely and fully. I attract loving and beautiful people into my life. My greatest gift is all the love I receive daily.
I find that love comes to me easily. I deserve to have good people in my life. I am blessed to be on the receiving end of so much love. Love is a constant part of my life.
I see love everywhere.
Today, I joyfully realize how loved I really am and I am grateful for so much love in my life. I know that I deserve this love and accept it now.
Now if You’re sitting there and You feel like You’ve been sucker punched when you say these affirmations to Yourself – it’s a sign that You have a limiting belief around love. Your resistance is a sure sign that You are limiting Yourself in that area. When things fall to pieces – i.e when you do the entire visualization thing, with the vision board etc – but all of a sudden You feel like You can’t breathe – that’s a sign that You have some work to do.
Below are some Self – Reflection Questions. I find that contemplation and self – reflection is very powerful. And if You’re not into Contemplation – I highly recommend that You learn to contemplate. It combines meditation and action into one neat little package of power.
Self-Reflection Questions:
- Who loves me?
- What are my most endearing qualities?
- Can I let love into my life every day?
- What would it take for me to allow myself to love myself enough so that I can allow myself to be loved by someone else?
- What would it take for me to fully align with loving myself unconditionally?
- What would it take so that I can step into the most powerful belief of that I am worthy and deserving of love and of loving my partner?
- What would it take for our relationship to be able to heal so that we can have a loving relationship filled with the beautiful qualities of a healthy relationship?
4. Journaling & Visualization Prompts:
Write down 30 symptoms of a Healthy Relationship. In DETAIL. I’m still shocked that few people know what a healthy relationship actually look like.
Visualization Prompt:
Now create a video in Your mind of Your relationship being exactly like that healthy relationship. On a daily basis for the next 90 days – do this on a daily basis. Imagine Your relationship healthy, how you respond to each other. How You treat each other. Use as much detail as possible. And allow Yourself to feel the feelings, do You feel happy? Peaceful? Excited? What emotions would You associate with this?
Don’t miss one day. Check it off on Your calendar on a daily basis. Chart Yourself. 90 days baby. 90 DAYS! Create new Relationship habits.
Love
Maryke