Consent, one of the most misunderstood and feared things on this planet.
Consent has been on my mind a lot lately.
Considering that the lines are so blurred, and few people really truly understand consent. It has been a sore point for many people for hundreds of years.
I struggled with saying no and keeping boundaries for a very long time. And what did it get me? Burnout, resentment and a lot more abuse.
And this is what I’m seeing in so many of my clients and something I teach them around boundaries; are to set them and to honor in return, when someone else sets a boundary with them.
And the little belief that we create looks something like this :
It is safe for someone to say no to me
It is safe for someone to say not to me
Other people are allowed to set a boundary with me, I am not being rejected.
Other people are allowed to set a boundary with me, I am not being rejected.
Other people are allowed to set a boundary with me, I am not being rejected.
People that have experienced abuse are particularly vulnerable to boundaries.
For them there is a deep fear of rejection and we also have to factor in co – dependency issues and various other Psychological factors that prevent many to set and accept boundaries.
Abusers have a great time of course pushing people (I really hate the label victim) into a corner and watching them self implode and self harm because setting boundaries are a fearful experience for them. Because what if someone throws me away?
That is a risk. And what I always tell people are that these people that throw you away are abusers that no longer has power over you.
Our sexual attitudes are different …
Especially since I work with both sexes around their relationship around their ability to be intimate, I have found myself in various interesting situations, and navigating them has been really interesting and liberating.
However, it is interesting that our sexual attitudes are so widely different. Where someone might consider one type of action as something that is good, or makes them feel good. Another might not consider that something that as safe or good.
Where (most) men would find one action as “Ohhh look at me, she reacted that way I must be desirable”, for (most) women it’s the opposite side of the coin and a huge violation and a source of pain. It is a source of pain because of consent, because of the lack of it.
The lack of having the freedom to say no or yes. How many times have you consented to being intimate because you wanted it? Or do you consent because you were taught that you had to? That it was your duty? And oh how my body cries, how my soul hurts when I hear that.
We celebrated the NO!!!!!
I had a client who was dealing with so much pain when it comes to physical intimacy, and I started working with her using the Yoni egg – and for 2 weeks her body said no. And we celebrated that No. WE CELEBRATED IT BIG. Because she never could say no before.
She wanted to. But she couldn’t. Didn’t know how or that she could say no. Eventually when her body was ready, when her womb and cervix was ready – did she get consent. The biggest lessons were learned because of that process.
a Simple NO. Taught her that she could give it and she could receive it. And the result is that, when you can’t set that boundary, when you can’t say no and don’t feel safe to say no, you likely end up taking abuse of all kinds. Because you were taught to say yes.
… in the back of your mind you can hear this being whispered …
“Because nice people say yes.
Good people say yes.
Bad people says no.
Bad people sets boundaries.”
Oh how we’ve got this soooo backwards.
What does this do?
It creates this belief that abuse = love. That in order to be or feel loved, that love means that you are abused by other’s.
Consciously you know it’s crap.
But on another level, it has created an addiction to the drama cycles. On another level it has created an addiction to someone treating you like you’re a possession.
That is why it’s so important to lay the foundation of “NO”.
That is why all men and women should go through a process of cultivating a relationship with consent in all it’s glory.
No – is safe.
No – is safe
No – is safe.
You won’t get rejected if you say no
You won’t get thrown away if you say no
And if that does happen, ask yourself if that person truly cared about your soul. About your humanness. Or if they were in it to scratch their itch?
And if that were the case, were you a human being that deserves love and compassion or were You a rag they could do with what they pleased?
It is safe to say no.
It is safe to say no.
It is safe to say no.
It is safe to have boundaries and to enforce them.
It is safe to have boundaries and to enforce them.
It is safe to have boundaries and to enforce them.
To Your boundaries.
Love M
Self Reflection :
What am I available for that I don’t want to be available for?
What do I choose to no longer be available for now?
Write out a list and let yourself recognize your edge and what You are no longer going to make yourself available for.
https://pixabay.com/illustrations/yes-no-opportunity-checklist-box-2167843/