Feeling unsafe in Your relationship.

When relationship coaching and therapy feels overwhelming and painful.

At one point or another You may have felt unsafe in your relationship, and this is not a rare occurrence in relationships.

Even when you both agreed that you would work together with someone to start healing your relationship, feeling unsafe and not regulating your nervous system appropriately during hard times makes communication and connection difficult.

Everyone has some form of baggage that they carry from previous relationships, as well as unresolved wounding from childhood which was compounded as each minute, hour and day goes on.

This creates creates various side effects, you either shut down, or you pursue your partner. You feel like giving up on your process. You manipulate or experience manipulation.
You either find that communication from your side or from both sides is incredibly difficult, so much so it feels like you’re not being heard, or seen and it feels like there is some blockage in your throat.

This is a form of trauma coming up.

The most valuable thing couples can do when there isn’t safety for one or both is to learn to do light breathwork, and learn how to self regulate your nervous system.

The thing about couples coaching or therapy, when you’re on this journey you BOTH have to show up for it.

You can’t sit there and expect your partner to do all the change work. You can’t place all the blame and all the responsibility squarely at your partners feet. And you can’t go into a session with reticence and distrust.

Your main focus should be to be curious and open and to be ready to drop the ego. To trop the desire to be a victim and your partner to be the perpetrator. Regardless of what has happened and who started what.

Only when you lose that attitude which will cause failure, can you establish deep safety.

If you’re currently in therapy or coaching, and things aren’t working out too well – chances are that one or both of you are expecting that the other does all the work.
You’ve placed all the responsibility squarely at their feet and decided that you want them to prove to you that they are still worthy of your love.

That is first of all very juvenile and secondly it screams loudly as to your own wounding here. Your partner is picking up on a subconscious level that they aren’t safe with you when you do that.

This will affect your homework of communication and reconnection exercises in a negative manner.
You stand to lose your relationship and your partner and all the time you’ve been together when you aren’t creating safety and creating a space where your partner and you can both heal.

In order for a relationship to work, BOTH parties have to come together and commit wholeheartedly. When you do that one of two things will happen.

You will stop wasting each other’s precious time. Time is something that neither of you can get back.
BUT you will know much sooner than later whether this relationship is meant to work out or not when you FULLY and COMPLETELY commit to the process.

And if it is meant to end, the transition will be far less painful, because you’ll be able to hold space, create safety and be much more conscious and compassionate throughout the entire transition.

The other thing that can happen when you FULLY commit, is the two of you alchemize your relationship from a wreck into something that is divine.

A space of total safety, friendship, trust, compassion, love, respect and all those amazing wonderful things.

But you have to commit wholeheartedly. Otherwise you are stealing time from each other.

It takes a ton of guts to go for coaching or therapy. It is also a big investment, so in this case – consider all the losses and the gains the two of you will make when You truly commit to something. Placing both feet in, instead of having one foot in and the other one out.

Is it worth it to be a victim? Is it really worth it to try and hurt the other person and then end up with a relationship on the rocks, over putting everything in learning about yourself and your triggers and learning to hold space? I think in this case the writing is on the wall. Committing is far more reliable and more powerful over being a victim.

Love
Maryke