Pursuer & Distancer Dynamics
Do you run away or do You chase?
You feel overwhelmed and angry, and decide to make a bee – line for another room, or to leave the house altogether. And Your partner? They just can’t seem to leave you alone. Every few seconds your phone pings with an incoming message “Where are you?”, “Why won’t you answer me? We need to talk about this.”
“You’re being childish and I can’t deal when you shut down on me.”
You turn off your phone or block them. “I JUST NEED SOME PEACE” you think to yourself. Ready to throw in the towel.
This is a basic sign of the Pursuer & Distancer relationship, and honestly this happens a lot more than people realize. But it is also a very unhealthy pattern, this usually leads to relationship separation. This pattern keeps feeding itself. It’s like a hunger that never get’s satisfied, and it brings with it massive devastation.
This pattern greatly sabotages your relationship and let’s face it. After a while, it becomes exhausting to constantly find yourself in this cycle.
Every single couple needs to have the ability to balanced between two of the primary needs, being able to have a balance between being together as well as separate. It is vital to find a good balance in this dynamic. If not, you will end up with the classic pursuer and distancer dynamics. This is one of the biggest reasons for relationships not making it.
How do I know that I’m in this dynamic?
The pursuer usually finds themselves in a space where they want to be together more often than separate, the pursuer will usually overwhelm the partner and the partner will usually end up withdrawing to relieve their own overwhelm.
When the person being pursued withdraws, the pursuer will then pursue even harder – this can usually look like anger, tantrums, criticism and so on. Which then perpetuates the cycle of the distancing and pursuing.
Usually what happens is if that has failed, the pursuer will then cut off the distancer, and this can mean that the distancer then flips roles and ends up becoming the pursuer, thus creating a very unhealthy and harmful cycle and pattern that feeds itself.
There will always be on some level a pursuer and distancer relationship, and it is also a somewhat normal manner for humans to navigate their relationships when they are under stress. And neither is better or worse than the other. The issue comes in when this cycle is perpetuated, and it becomes entrenched. Both partners in a relationship can equally play both roles at different periods over different challenges.
There is a deep need to feel cared for and secure in a relationship and a pursuer has a deep need for affection, acknowledgement, closeness, and attention from the person they are with. It is incredibly important to them to talk things out, to clear the air and to express their feelings and emotions. They will feel rejected when their partner requires space, and this is when their survival mechanisms kick in. Their brain considers this as something to be scared of, this has some form of a meaning to them due to some unresolved experiences that they might have learned or experienced from a young age.
Their brain goes into overdrive, and they may bombard their partner with complaints, criticisms, sending them constant pictures or memes they associate with, they may throw tantrums, they may pepper their partner with questions. All of this is an attempt to create reconnection again. To them when someone withdraws, it means a lot of unpleasant experiences and the inability to truly self-regulate and self soothe. They are desperate in that moment for reassurance. But due to the overly reactive and very likely aggressive way they may pursue, they inadvertently push their partner away which does exactly the opposite of what they had intended.
The person doing the distancing on the other hand is desperate for physical and mental space when stress is high. They in the moment also cannot self regulate and self soothe appropriately to truly take care of their partner’s need for validation.
For the distancer it is easier to withdraw within themselves and become quiet when there is anxiety in the relationship. Distancers tend to have low tolerance for conflict. This does not mean that the distancer doesn’t want or need connection, it just means that when their partner becomes critical or angry that they just don’t know how to handle the situation and the only way they know is to play possum. If they play possum on some level their aggressor may go away and things may return to normal. This is their way of trying to get balance to come back. But this leaves everyone dissatisfied as nothing has been resolved properly and the pursuer only becomes more critical and harsher.
The Shadow
We tend to be attracted to people with certain characteristics that we have disowned. Therefore, you will find that distancers and pursuers will frequently be in relationships together.
A pursuer wants intimacy and is so unaware for their need for autonomy while distancers seek autonomy but are unaware of their need for intimacy. For relationships to truly start to heal and for things to work out, a few things need to happen.
Couples need to create a space of safety for themselves as well as their partners. This is about learning how to hold space for each other.
Distancers and Pursuers need to develop a bit of the opposite quality to balance their one-sidedness.
Individuals need to start to heal their own pain and wounding around relationships and intimacy or learn to break the patterns they might have seen their parents use in their own relationships.
Couples need to learn more about relationships and their own Psychology of doing things. We take for granted that we know how to Relationship or how to “sex”. When in fact this is where we carry the most shadow.
We disown so much about ourselves; we carry into our relationships so much baggage and wounding and treat the next partner like we did the last. We bring the past into the present.
People bring their incredible fear of love into their present relationships and get stuck incapable of holding space for each other. And incapable of recognizing trauma patterns in relationships but instead taking it up very personally and then reacting from that space.
Each person is responsible for their healing journey, each person is responsible for their own states. But very few are willing to look at this and thinks that if they break up or separate that they won’t have the same issue in the next relationship. That is untrue. Until you heal the pattern, it will literally follow you like your shadow into the next relationship.
How do you get out of this cycle?
Understanding each other’s needs, and learning to not react from that moment is really powerful in rebalancing the relationship. Both of you need to find your own balance between connection and solitude.
Both of you need to be able to connect with other people, both of you need to be able to also spend time on your own.
If you find yourself in the shoes of the pursuer, it is important that you understand that you are experiencing more distress about the distance. You have to find ways to stop the pursuit. Pursuing is actually a way for you to find external soothing from a 3rd party, and it is important that you learn ways to meet your own emotional needs.
You can do this by pursuing interests like art, or maybe going out with friends, perhaps reading or learning something new. Or undertaking a self empowerment training that helps you to learn how to regulate and self soothe appropriately without the requirement of another person.
When you do this, you will learn to trust more. You will cultivate more safety for yourself, and learn to trust yourself more. You will have a better relationship with yourself and those around you and your needs will no longer be dependent on those around you. Because you will have a solid self relationship. This will make you more magnetic towards your partner. Allowing them to gravitate more towards you.
If you find yourself in the shoes of the distancers, learn to communicate when you feel uncomfortable. When things are hard, and when you feel upset. Sharing your feelings in a open way while also learning to truly hold space for your partner will shift the dynamics.
I recommend that you schedule time to reconnect and communicate with your partner in a open and intimate and loving manner. When your pursuer partner realizes that you are making time for them, their needs tank will be filled a bit more and they will pursue less.
In the beginning unlearning old patterns may be a bit awkward. But the fact of the matter is, it is better to start than to never do anything about it. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in the perpetual cycles in every single relationship.
To Your amazing love
Maryke
Ready to work with someone to help you shift your relationship into healthier patterns?